Tag Archives: Dick Cheney

Where are Batman and Robin When You Really Need Them?

Batman Robin and Villains

Dearies, have been feeling a bit depressed, irritable and overwhelmed lately, truth be told.

The World is going to Hell in a Basket of Deplorables. And nobody seems able to stop it. The Armageddon Election, terrorist attacks, Syria, Palestine, South Sudan, Brexit, Ukraine,invasions, bombings, floods, earthquakes, forest fires, teachers strikes, drone strikes, melting glaciers, doomed species, political gridlock and enmity, cancer, suicide, death and destruction: the list goes on and on and on…It’s in our faces 24/7.

While listlessly draped on the sofa watching TV, quite by accident, flipped onto an old episode of Batman. Holy Bat Cave!!!

Laughed so hard for the next half hour, at the beautiful uncomplicated silliness of it all, and also cried- for the sheer joy of remembering a kinder, gentler time. As a kid, never ever missed a single original show, and the absurdly wonderful humor is even funnier today than it was then.

So many thoughts and memories:

Batman Villains

Ah, the Villains. Who can forget The Joker, Catwoman, The Penguin and The Riddler?  Their dastardly evil plots were quite benign by todays standards. The sheer joy with which Cesar Romero, Julie Newmar, Burgess Meredith, Frank Gorshin and others played their roles, was not lost on us kids. No scenery was left unchewed, no cliché held sacred…KAPOW!!!

The sets were absurdly simple and whimsical. Yes, they had a sense of whimsy without cutting-edge technology getting in the way. The props were hysterical. From the looks of the old TV episodes, it must have cost $50 to make a show, excluding actor’s salaries (which by today’s standards would be absurdly low). That includes costumes and make-up. The wonderful cheesiness of it all, enhanced the shared experience. WE HAD TO USE OUR IMAGINATIONS.

Reminds me of the early Dr. Who and the TARDIS/Phonebox from Britain’s BBC. The austere rough-hewn simplicity and boundless fun of its earlier incarnation was equally and wonderfully cheesy. These were afterall, the same folks who brought us Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men.

The sheer darkness and introspection of what followed, the Big Screen versions of Batman and Robin, have to a large degree mirrored the ever darkening lens of world events. Early magical Super Heroes like Adam West and Burt Ward, have been supplanted by the likes of Henry Cavill, Christian Bale and Robert Downey Jr., worthy actors in their own right, commanding a larger, brooding stage.

The gazillion dollar budgets for each new Batman movie and its Super Hero cousins, become more obscene with every film. These budgets could lift several Third World countries out of poverty permanently. But I digress…

The witty repartee flew fast and furious with each Batman TV episode. Even as kids, we knew it was funny and as  an adult, it is even funnier.

Thelonius Armstrong compiled a list of some of “Adam West’s Funniest Quotes as Batman” and I would like to discuss each of them. They are so relevant to the world that we find ourselves in these days:

Batman POW 2

  1. “It’s obvious. Only a criminal would disguise himself as a licensed, bonded guard yet callously park in front of a fire hydrant.”  Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin need to be tied to fire hydrants and forced to watch old Batman TV episodes
  2. Batman SPLATT!
  3. We’ve come a long way from the Prime Minister’s exploding cake. Or have we?” Actually Dearies, we still have a ways to go. Political and character assassinations have become a way of life, and are much less fun than exploding cake. In some ways, Paul Ryan has become the Martha Stewart of exploding cake.
  4. “A reporter’s lot is not easy, making exciting stories out of plain, average, ordinary people like Robin and me.” As Comrade Trump and Fox News never tire of telling us, media needs grist for its never-ending 24/7 mill. As Vladimir Putin’s minions would tell you, hacking makes it a hell of a lot easier.
  5. “It’s sometimes difficult to think clearly when you’re strapped to a printing press.” Hmmm, wouldn’t if be fun to strap Comrade Trump and Vladimir Putin to a printing press…

Batman

5. Robin: “You can’t get away from Batman that easy!”

Batman: “Easily.”

Robin: “Easily.”

Batman: “Good grammar is essential, Robin.”

Robin: “Thank you.”

Batman: “You’re welcome.”

Dearies, never has there been a greater need for both civility, and good grammar. Bigly! Canadian, American and European politicians are constantly breaking new ground in nastiness. And in the Ukraine, why they just throw their politicians into the dumpster Listen to any of Canada’s CBC (Our version of The Beeb) radio’s news broadcasts, and you will want to throw yourself in front of a bus, over the appalling grammar.

Batman Pharoah

6. “Yes, he moves very quickly for an overstuffed and unlikely Egyptian Pharaoh” Dearies, I admit to almost being at a loss with this one. No, hold on, am getting a picture of Governor Chris Christie in my mind…

  1.  Robin: “Let’s go!”

Batman: “Not you, Robin. They have strict licensing laws in this country. A boy of your age is not allowed in a drinking tavern.” Dearies, haven’t been in a drinking tavern in years. Have left all that to Steve Bannon. Funny how in the US you can do your grocery shopping and buy all the alcohol you need at the same time. Here in Cantada, well British Columbia to be exact, I have to go to the government liquor store to buy my champers.

Batman Robin Chief OHara Commiss Gordon

8. Chief O’Hara: “Will you be wanting extra police protection?”

Batman: “No thank you, Chief O’Hara. This time I think Robin and I better go at it alone. Any large contingent of police officers might create unnecessary confusion.

Well, this is a no-brainer – If I see one more cheesy photo-op of Comrade Trump and gaggles of law-enforcement officers, am going to puke!

Batman Catwoman

9. “Catwoman, I find you to be odious, abhorrent, and insegrievious.”I just adore that word insegrievious. Am going to make it my word of the month. And how anyone could find the delectable Julie Newmar odious, is beyond me.

Batman

10. “Robin: Where’d you get a live fish, Batman?”

Batman: “The true crimefighter always carries everything he needs in his utility belt, Robin.”

Dearies, it is quite clear to me that Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell and the usual GOP Jesus suspects have NEVER lived by this critical rule

Batman Words 3

11.  “It is the duty of every good citizen of Gotham City to report meeting a man from Mars in a public park”. Will keep this in mind while watching the next episode of “Homeland” or during the next ICE raids rounding up “illegal immigrants”.

12.   “No, Robin. With my head sticking out of this neosaurus costume, I might not appear like an ordinary, run of the mill crimefighter.”  Said Attorney General Jeff Sessions to to no one in particular.

13. .“Bartender, a bit of advice. Always inspect a jukebox carefully. These machines can be deadly.”  This ad hominem always worked well on “Cheers” and in various pubs in Northern Ireland.

14. “Let that be a lesson. In future, be more careful from who you accept free lemonade.”  With apologies to those in Jonestown but not those in The Tea Party…

Batman Robin Climbing Bldg

15.  (after coming through Barbara’s window): “We would have entered the building by more conventional means, but we didn’t want to startle the tenants.”  I believe the Navy Seals who found and killed Osama Bin Laden, live by this motto.

Thank You Thelonius Armstrong.

So Dearies, after putting these thoughts to paper, metaphorically speaking, am starting to breathe a bit easier, to feel a certain heaviness lifting off my chest. Feel somewhat re-enerergized and ready to fight yet another day in the trenches. All thanks to the Original Guys in Tights, those fearless and pithy crimefighters, The Caped Crusader and Robin.

They weren’t slick, they weren’t technologically advanced. They just got the job done. And made us laugh along the way. Raising a glass of champers to Batman and Robin, and All Who Sailed with Them…

***Footnote: Raising a glass or 3 in Memory of The ONLY Batman who could make us laugh, the late Adam West. To Live in Hearts We Leave Behind, Is Not to Die.

Batman Alfred 2

Miss Myrtle’s Rectal Cranial Impaction Hall of Fame (RCIHOF) – Part 1

Illegitimi Non Carborundum – Don’t Let The Bastards Grind You Down

Dearies, it is absolutely impossible to get through a day without witnessing gobsmacking, as my friend N.O.T.O.R.I.O.U.S.™ says, Dumbfuckery.

I have therefore decided to honor those who leave us dumbfounded, dumbstruck and dumbfucked. The RCIHOF is a registered non-profit, although Revenue Canada may not see it that way.

Began this wee project in 2014, and realized that there would really never be a finite date of completion. This truly is the Never Ending Story…

Would like to recap our recent Inductees for your predilection and INVITE YOU share your nominees at any time…

DISCLAIMERS: Any picture duplication is purely intentional. You may also notice that the majority of Inductees are men. Dearies, that should require no further explanation. This blog post has less written text and more photos…because a picture is worth a thousand words.

SPECIAL THANKS to Colonel Morris Davis, former Guantanamo Chief Prosecutor for creating the phrase Rectal Cranial Impaction

Here in no particular order are your Inductees:

Fox News, for their incomparable search for the Untruth. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s Economic Action Plan for using taxpayer’s dollars on campaign ads. Senator Joni Ernst for her gobsmacking response to President Obama’s State of the Union address and so much else…

FoxNews   Canadas Economic Action Plan Penises   JoniErnst

House Speak John Boehner for cat-wrangling the GOP. Benjamin Netanyahu for subverting justice and humanity everywhere. The Honorable Kerry Lynne Findlay, Minister of National Revenue for overseeing the farce that has become Prime Minister Harper’s CRA – Canada’s version of the IRS…

Boehner Netenyahu  Kerry Lynne Findlay and PM Harper

Goldman Sachs for their ongoing warm and fuzzy advertising. There is no doubt yet another mammoth scandal is about to blow. Chip Wilson, the clueless Canadian CEO of Lululemon whose hubris is as big as the 2,500 sq.ft dock he wants to build on British Columbia’s Sunshine Coast. Dick Cheney for his great humanitarian work…

Goldman-Sachs-Executive-f-004  Chip Wilson    DCheney

Judge Jeanine Pirro for her obvious self-loathing and hatred of everyone else…plus a dangerously low IQ. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper for dragging this country through the mud…one of The Boys From Brazil. Tony Blair, former British Prime Minister and betrayer of principles…avid personal wealth and glory accruer.

Jeanine Pirro     PM Harper Emperor    Tony Blair2

Bill O’Reilly that wacky Irish wit, raconteur and Fox News beacon of darkness. The Donald Trump self-made capitalist windbag, all-round nasty guy and flyweight. The Honourable Peter MacKay (obviously Dearies, Honourable is a real Canadian misnomer), that political flyweight and Canada’s answer to the Teabaggers Sarah Palin and Joni Ernst.

Bill O'Reilly   Donald   peter-mackay-wears-no-compromise-pro-gun-t-shirt

Sheriff Joseph Arpaio, a true American patriot-not. The Donald Trump’s law enforcement doppleganger. FYI Joe, doppleganger means a look-alike harbinger of bad luck … not another gangbanger. Harbinger means…oh to hell with it. Don Lemon, that aptly named CNN guy who should really be sitting behind a Fox News Desk. Former Canadian Senator and CBC News shill Mike Duffy. Ironically might have the power to bring down this Imperial Stephen Harper government. Wears public disgrace as a badge of honour.

Joe Arpaio3   Don Lemon   Mike Duffy

Halliburton, that ethically minded offshoot of former Vice President and humanitarian Dick Cheney (see above). A multinational oil conglomerate with tentacles that reach everywhere.Monsanto that model of successful global domination-genetically modifying our food and our minds. Tim Hortons, that great Canadian traitor sells out to Burger King. The late Tim Horton was a mediocre hockey player but his donut empire was epic. Any delusion that Canadians are superior to Americans is sorely misplaced.

Halliburton  Monsanto2    Tim Hortons

The RCMP, Canada’s legendary Royal Canadian Mounted Police. With PR nightmares like officers taking Aboriginal arrestees home for sex, to tasing an unarmed Robert Dziekanski to death at YVR, its time to disband that once honourable outfit. The NYPD for its treatment of folks like Eric Garner. The KKK those wacky cowardly white supremacists and assassins in white bed sheets have infiltrated law enforcement at every level, from police departments to prisons.

Dudley Do Right 6   NYPD   KKK

British Columbia Premier Christy Clark. This Conservative in Liberal clothing is friends with any corporation that wishes to destroy BC’s pristine environment. Soulmate of Prime Minister Stephen Harper. All-round nasty girl. Saudi Arabian Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid issued a fatwa against snowmen. Honestly-it is impossible to make this stuff up. Salman Rushdie is much amused. Dearies, Stedji Brewery in Iceland makes small batch beer with whale testicles. Would love to turn the tables on those brewmasters. Their website says and we quote ” Our brewer is a german genios..”. Am sure he is, and he probably worked with Dr. Mengele.

Christy Clark   Fatwa Snowman   whaleBIG

There is a special place in Hell reserved for Deron Puro and his spawn. When his teenage sons cyber-bullied uber-dad Brad Knudson’s daughter, and Knudson called him out, Puro tried the same. I really hope he has been neutered, Dearies. Under the misguidance of union leader Patrick Lynch, the NYPD has turned its back on the citizens of NYC, not just Mayor De Blasio. There is also a special place in Hell reserved for Bill Cosby, betrayer of trust. The absolute farce of a “comedy tour” in the face of mounting accusations of sexual predator behavior, is beyond nauseating. Not man enough to stand up and face the music, methinks this is going to end very badly for all.

Daron Puro   Patrick Lynch   Bill Cosby 2

Well Dearies, there you have it… a small sampling of our Members of the Rectal Cranial Impaction Hall of Fame. Part 2 of this epic saga follows shortly. Frankly, had to stop here or my head would have exploded.

Once again, we invite you to submit your own Inductees @MissMyrtle2

With Many Thanks to   RCIHOF Patron N.O.T.O.R.I.O.U.S.™ – Mr. Militant Negro